Diabolic Fiction

"Homer Uber Alles"

excerpt from a Simpsons™ Teleplay
Based on characters created by Matt Groening

Fade In:

DRAMATIC WAGNERIAN MUSIC BEGINS. CREDITS APPEAR OVER....

ESTABLISHING SHOT of Montgomery Burns’ mansion. A thunder storm is raging. Lightning cracks here and there.

Lightning strikes illuminate the silhouette of a gaunt figure in the massive front window of BURNS’ mansion. As each lighting bolt hits, the figure appears closer and closer till the lightning illuminates the face of MONTGOMERY BURNS.

BURNS
(to himself)
Oh raging tempest. Your bellowing agony is solace to my aching heart. I long to be swept into the heart of your delicious pain.

BURNS’ P.O.V. of front lawn. Lightning strikes and hits one of his hounds. It yelps and runs into the darkness.

INTERIOR OF MANSION (BURNS’ BEDROOM) We see Burns from behind staring into the raging maelstrom.

BURNS
(to himself)
Someday a strong wind will take me away from this wretched cesspool of a town. And I will return to crush you all under the heel of my tyrannical boot.
(to SMITHERS)
Did you get all that?

SMITHERS
...ty-ran-ni-cal boot. Got it sir. Are you sure you want that in your college reunion speech? They are, after all, making you president emeritus.

BURNS
(with controlled rage)
Don’t try to tell me what those cretins want to hear! They laughed at me. All of them! With their frat parties and girlfriends and clean skin and long flowing hair and...

SMITHERS
Uh...sir?

BURNS
(agitated)
Don’t interrupt me when I’m reminiscing or I’ll have you flayed alive and hung from the flagpole at that Little League baseball park I bought.

CUT TO Little League baseball park. Crowd is cheering for teams...universal symbol for radioactivity appears on each base. Boy hits homerun...crowd goes wild...bleachers collapse.

BACK TO SMITHERS and BURNS in office.

SMITHERS
Uh...yes, Mr. Burns.

BURNS
Now leave me.
(a hint of sadness)
I wish to be alone.

SMITHERS EXITS. BURNS TURNS TO THE WINDOW as lightning continues to crack around him. A single tear slides down his cheek.

SCENE BEGINS TO DISTORT (denoting flashback). CROSSFADE TO...BURNS, a bit younger but still with sparse hair. CLOSE UP remains on face...he is crying...staring out of a similar window as a storm rages outside.

OUT OF SHOT we hear a young, American voice call out.

STEVIE
(sarcastic)
Hey, Burnsy. We’re out of beer. Go down to the cellar and bring up another keg, or we’ll have to give you the old Bismark Bum Burn again. Haw haw haw!

LAUGHTER FROM MANY OTHERS assails his ears as he trudges to the cellar door. It is very dark and he is scared. Rats run around his feet causing him to tumble to the bottom of the stairs.

BURNS
(moaning to himself)
Oh why, papa? Why did you have to send me to this infernal place? No one likes me. I can't seem to fit in. You always told me that the intellectuals would be worshipped, but these mongrels don't seem to care that I am their cerebral superior.

BURNS stands and walks over to a beer barrel. He wraps his arms around it, barely lifts it and then falls backward. The beer barrel lands on him, crushing his legs.

BURNS
(whimpering)
Someone...my legs have been crushed. I cannot feel anything from my waist down! Help me! Help me!

UPSTAIRS, a full scale frat party has ensued.

STEVIE
(finishes his stein of beer)
Where the hell is Burnsy? I'm getting sober by the second.

In the BASEMENT, beer leaks over Burns' body and into his mouth.

BURNS
(almost unconscious)
Legs...crushed, mind...failing, beer...flat…

Burns sees a few rats in the dim corner of the basement. He feebly motions toward them with his fingers.

BURNS
(to rats)
Come to me, my vermin horde. Avenge my death and make those putrid frat boys pay for their crime.

The rats run over to Burns.

BURNS
Yes, yes! Free me from my fermented tomb.

The rats move around the keg, but begin to gnaw at Burns' body.

BURNS
Not me, you furry swine!